we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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