just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize