Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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