If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
