btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
