i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
