My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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