he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I checked into jail on foursquare
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
