i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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