The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
