I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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