I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
