My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
