i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
