i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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