OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
