My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
