I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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