It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
