i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
