Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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You. Win. At. Life.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is Oprah even human
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
