He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
