party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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