very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
