New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize