I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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