I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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