The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
