Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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