Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
