Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
