Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize