we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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