Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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