My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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