meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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