Michael Bay diarrhea
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
