some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Be still, my beating vagina.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
