I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she looked like the before picture.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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