Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
