if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize