I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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