Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize