Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
