What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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