Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
