I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
