okay pat passed out under dana's car
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize