She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
