I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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