Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
