On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
there is glitter all over my balls
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