There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
