THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
