Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
