after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
