I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
