i would punch a child for taco bell
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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